To all of my viewers . . . I am still slowly recuperating from my "accident" and am now in a "designer orthopedic boot contraption" as I call it.  It has been a very frustrating and exasperating past two months, and that is putting it mildly, with this broken leg but I keep telling myself this too shall pass . . . and it has given me a small insight into the meaning "forever".  Ha! Ha! I still have another week or so to go before my next appointment and although I hope to get out of this boot at that time, I have a feeling I will find myself in it for several more weeks at least.  I will be posting some new items in the very near future so keep checking back!  Here's hoping all of you are enjoying life, family and friends and that you are in good health!  Take care, all of you.


Ruth Miller

March 11, 2012
To all of my followers:


My apologies for not getting new information posted for the past month or so. I took a fall on February 6 and chipped the bone in my big left toe, severely sprained my left ankle, broke the smaller bone in my left leg (the fibula), bruised my knee and bruised the upper left arm . . . as they say, when you do something do it big . . . and I did just that.  I was going into our bathroom for something and my flip flops I was wearing flopped and I flipped, rolling up the small throw rug under my feet as well.  I missed our bathtub by an inch so I am very, very thankful I only had the injuries I did . . . and I am extra thankful (if you can be thankful about a broken leg) that I did not injure or break my hip.  There is always so much to be thankful for in this life!


Needless to say, my recliner and my wheelchair have been my closest friends for the past month as I had to keep my foot elevated during that time frame.  However, all was not lost as I read 16+ books during that timeframe!  It was rather frustrating though and that is putting it mildly! 


My daughter from Arkansas flew in the day after my fall and has been here, returning home on March 14.  She has been a tremendous help but her twin girls, Shelby and Rachel (age 15) are missing their mother, and Jeff, her husband is definitely ready for her to return home.  Although DeeAnn said it was a good experience for the girls . . . they know how to cook and do laundry, but this time they had to keep the house in some semblance of order as well.  And, Jeff was indoctrinated in the art of collecting and delivering Girl Scout cookies!  I bet that was a fun experience for him.  But now they all have a better understanding of what "mama" does during the day too so it was good.  I do not know how we would have managed without DeeAnn all this past month, especially since we are caregivers to my husband's mother, Edith (age 91), who has Alzheimers and who has lived with us going into the eighth year soon.


So you can see, with me being in a wheelchair or recliner, I could not even get to my office computer even if I wanted to.  Besides that, my computer decided to crash the same day I did and my husband had to replace the hard drive.  He just now got it up and running!  So life goes on, tossing us those little curved balls all along the way . . . just makes us stronger and more determined I suspect.


We are now both retired which is good . . . although we have been both so busy we really don't realize that we are supposed to be "retired".  We just keep on keeping on as the saying goes.  I now wonder how we managed to work.  I suspect all the things we were putting off until we retired have now faced us squarely!


I am now in a walking cast and am starting out slowly, but by next week when DeeAnn returns home, I should be able to handle things.  Thanks for being patient and I hope to get some new posts on here soon.  I appreciate all of you out there who check in and view my work.  I love to write and again hope to have something added very soon.


Ruth Miller

Sadness of Heart

Life in general is pretty good to us for the most part.  We laugh and enjoy friendships, time spent sharing with each other, working together, loving each other and helping each other.  But mingled with the joys and laughter of life are the times of sadness and sorrow.  We grieve over the loss of a loved one, but deep down, we know that this is truly the “circle of life.”  There are times when death may come prematurely (to our thinking) but for everyone on this planet, we are born, we live and we die.  Death is generally not a topic we dwell on or think about very much . . . we all assume we will live a full life and give little thought to death when in our younger years; it is as if we feel we will cheat death until we are older, that we are immune to such travesty.  We mostly think the idea of death is merely an “end of life” occurrence for the older generation.

            In the beginning, God created man.  He breathed into man the breath of life.  He made man in his likeness in that he gave man a soul.  This soul is the part of us that will never die; this is the spiritual part of our body, the soul.  All the rest of our physical body will die, decay and return to dust. 

            When we are born, we are loved, well fed and taken care of completely.  We are taught the ways of life, physical, mental and spiritual.  We grow to maturity and live life, raising families and enjoying the beauties of this world God has made for us.  We do not dwell on death, but death comes in all forms.  With some who have a lengthy or terminal illness, we may expect death, but some deaths come suddenly and when this occurs, it puts us in a state of shock.

            It has been said that parents should never have to bury their children and while this may be an old truism or cliché, this does occur.  There are so many children that meet their death early and it places a tremendous load of stress and sorrow on those left behind.  We know not why this occurs.  Perhaps this was just their time according to God’s time line.  He can see the future and only God knows what is best for everyone, whether we agree with this or not. Some people get mad at God; they blame God and ask why or how He could allow such to happen.  When such an event occurs, people are so stressed they say things in the heat of the moment.  Perhaps they are looking for someone to blame in their time of grief or are just so distraught and angry that they are not capable of thinking straight.  But even when a baby or a young child dies, joy can be found.  Yes, it is so disheartening to lose a young child who has never had the chance to grow up, mature, be an asset to the family and to society, love, have a family and grow old to see their grandchildren and know that this child they have raised will do well.  But there are two sides to every coin and the flip side of this, although extremely hard to understand at the time, is that this baby or this child, while taken from earth early,  regardless of the circumstances, is now in the arms of a loving Father in heaven.  This is where the joy comes . . . that is when the parents have had time to stop and reflect on life and realize that they can rest assured that their child is in heaven.  The Father said we should be like little children who are sinless . . . these shall inherit the Kingdom.  When you actually stop and think about this, how many parents can actually say without a doubt that they know they have a child in heaven?   This is the joy in death.

            In like manner, we grow and become mature individuals through the guidance of our parents.  When we reach the age of accountability, it is then up to us to live a life appropriate to God’s word.  There are many people who think we are put here on this earth to live a life full of fun and frivolity . . .  the example they have set with their life has no purpose or value . . . their idea of life is that it is theirs to do with what they want and no one should interfere with their lifestyle.  This type of life generally ends up with an early demise whether it be from a life of drugs, alcohol, fast living or other untoward actions that cause one’s health to deteriorate to the point of death.  In such cases, there is no joy in death.  This individual has taken his part of time on earth and squandered it; he has only lived a life for his own personal gain, pleasure and desire.   He has probably never given thought to God or His word . . . until it was too late.  These people tend to think about God when they know they are dying and by that time, there is no hope for that individual.  His time has come and there is no longer any time remaining for repentance or a change in his life.  He will have to meet his God in the Day of Judgment with fear and trembling.  There is no joy in this death. 

            We also are aware of those individuals on this earth that somehow cannot deal with the life they are living, for whatever the reason.           They do not have a strong faith in God for such to even be considered.  God says He will take care of His children and those who follow His words and do His will are taken care of.  This does not mean they live in a million dollar house, drive expensive vehicles and live a life of the rich and famous; this simply means they have the necessities they need in life to live a normal and happy life while on this earth.   When you really think in depth about life here on earth, it is not for us but for God.  He created us, He put us here, He wants us all to go to heaven and He even gave His only begotten son to suffer a death no man should ever have to endure, so that we might live with Him in Heaven when our life here has ceased.  He paid the price for all of us.  His promise to us is that if we follow His word, we will have everlasting life with Him in heaven, and God ALWAYS keeps His promises.  But we have to keep up our end of the bargain too!  While in the case of a person taking his own life, I do realize there are always extenuating circumstances in such cases, but it is not the individual’s right to take his own life.   I realize there are times when things can get so hard that you don’t know which way to turn, but prayer is a very powerful tool and we need to pray to God each and every day, not just in time of need.  We need to pray in thanksgiving, for guidance in our life and especially when things seem to be in a downward spiral.  Suicide is the easy way out.  The individual who commits suicide is taking only his personal problems into consideration when this occurs.  There is no consideration of what he is doing to all those left behind.  There is a trail of sorrow and grief from family, relatives, friends, co-workers, teachers and others who have played a role in that person’s life.  There are questions about why he chose to end life . . . we ask ourselves, “Why did I not see this coming? . . . What, if anything, could I have done to prevent this?” . . . and the list could go on and on.   There is a tremendous amount of guilt placed on everyone who knew this individual; for years it puts an undue burden on everyone unnecessarily.  There is no joy in death here.

            Vehicle accidents occur with no rhyme or reason and results too frequently in an untimely death of a friend, relative or loved one.  So many of these “accidents” could have been prevented, especially when carelessness and fun overrule common sense and rationality.  People get carried away in their own pleasures, as in the case of drinking or partying with the involvement of drugs.  They give no thought to the lives they may be taking or maiming when driving in such a condition.  They are acting with an altered state of mind; they think they can do anything . . . especially driving . . . when they no longer have  the competency with which to deal with issues involved in  safe management of any type vehicle.  They care not about the consequences inflicted upon others as a result of their carelessness and recklessness.  So many times there are children, as well as adult lives, which are taken in such mishaps, causing strife and distress on others when this did not have to occur.  We are all so saddened for those who die under such circumstances, for those lives that were cut off immediately without warning, for those who never had the chance to fulfill their dreams, finish a career goal, love or have families.  There is such sadness in these tragic happenings when life is needlessly ended.   

            There are other incidents that occur in life as a result of numerous situations and circumstances.  Our firefighters and law officers are always putting their lives in jeopardy to save us . . . their lives are always on the line for others.  It is so disheartening when a policeman responds to a call for help and while performing his sworn duty, gets shot to death by some crack head high on dope, some gangbanger who is filled with hatred, or someone looking to gain favor or elevation by his peers for his misdeed.  So many of our firefighters, when helping others to escape, lose their lives when burning timber or other heavy debris hits them in a way that they are caught in the fire themselves.  This is especially painful to the family of the deceased when investigation reveals it was an arson fire . . . set by someone who thrills in the joy of seeing things burn . . . and by someone who has no concern over those who may die as a result of their “joy ride”.   This is such a sad commentary on humanity.  Our military personnel take on the job of protecting us so that we can remain living in a land where freedom of all forms is available day in and day out.  They know that their job may require the ultimate sacrifice at some point in time but they take on the job and do it extremely well.  They know they may never return to their home but the idea that they are keeping it free for their family, friends and others, makes their sacrifice seem worthy to them.  They too are dedicated to humanity’s survival.

            Life is taken in so many other ways, even simply in the natural death of an individual.  There are so many diseases and terminal illnesses that bring on death to the young and old alike.    Death is no respecter of persons; it stalks the earth for its prey as if it knows when this will occur.  Even though we may have a loved one that has lived a full life, when their time comes to depart this world, we are still shocked, saddened and distressed.  Death is a sad time for all of us . . . and no one will escape death.  In the case of a person who has suffered for a lengthy time frame and we know death is eminent; we are still shaken when death occurs.  We think we are prepared but all preparedness seems to go out the window when sadness and grief overcome us.  This is a natural response to the loss of any individual with whom we have had close ties.  We find ourselves going through the standard protocols relative to death and struggling to get through this time frame.  Yes, parting is such sad sorrow.

            Life seems to toss us to the wind at times such as this.  We find it difficult to keep our emotions under control.  We struggle with the thought that we will never see that person come through the door of our home again and our eyes swell with tears that threaten to spill over.  We know that we will be missing a place-setting at the table.  We know that we will no longer have the sharing of holidays throughout the year.  Sharing of conversation will be a thing of the past.  Laughter at each other’s jokes will no longer take place.  There will be no more smiles or special touching. You will no longer see the silly glimpse of a smile that tells you all is well with the world and both of you.  There will no longer be that someone sitting beside you when you go to church, a concert, ballgame, ballet or movie.  There will no longer be someone to open the doors ahead of you or walk on the outside of the street to protect you.  You will no longer have prayers together. And probably worst of all, you will no longer hear this individual say to you, “It will okay; I love you and we will get through this together” when things seem to be taking a downward spiral in your life.  Yes, life will be fraught without all these little things in life that bring joy to us all, the things money can’t buy but which make life such a pleasure day in and day out.

            My mother used to tell me “life is not always a bowl of peaches and cream” and this has been borne out so many times in my own personal life.  It is not easy to lose someone regardless of the manner in which they died.  But I have learned over the years that life and death are part of our world.  We cannot prevent death but we can learn to go on living our life.  It is never easy and it takes a long time to overcome such loss.  This is the norm for humanity . . . grief and tears are both a natural catharsis and help in closure for everyone.  Granted it takes varying times to overcome this as every individual is made up of a different character; people grieve differently and it just takes some longer than others to come to real grips with life without a loved one.  Nevertheless, sadly, there are also those who never seem to be able to get on with life.   Please understand when I say “coming to grips with life”, I do not mean forgetting the deceased; I mean that a person has managed to overcome his sorrow and pain and is trying to get on with life in general; no one can put a deceased person out of their life, nor should they.  There will always be those times and situations where memories of good times involving the deceased will come into play.  This simply means that you have come to a reality that this person is no longer here and that you can now handle memories or talking about this person on a higher level than you could have done so previously.  It is a difficult thing to do when losing someone, but this is also something we have to strive to do, mainly for our own self-preservation, if nothing else.  The departed one would, if he could, tell you to remember them always in your heart, but their love would further tell you that you have to go on with your remaining life as well. 

            God has blessed us with such a wonderful function called “memory.”  He knew all too well how sad our hearts would be with losing a loved one and that life would be dreary with such loss.  Perhaps He gave us memory to help us better be able to get on with life after a death.  He allows us to relive the good times with this person in that we can pull scenes from our memories for years and years to come.  We can share in these over and over again and help to stem the flow of tears.  We have pictures from times past that we can view over and over again.  These memories can flood the soul and soften the core of sorrow; it will help make life a little easier when our day is dark and dreary.  We also have the ever so powerful tool of prayer . . . we can go to God when in sadness and ask him to help us get through this time so that you can feel life is worth living.  We have no control over death but we can take control of our lives.  We can again enjoy friendships, outings, doing things we once used to love to do.  No, we will never forget those gone ahead of us, but we can eventually learn to live with such loss.  It takes a lot of “tincture of time” but it is possible.  Our loved one departed would be the first one to say to us, “Do not let my parting alter the rest of your life as this was just my time and this was His way.”

Written by Ruth Miller

©December 27, 2011

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL LETTER:  Ruth Miller

 (as written to my instructor, Roberta Roesch, who has now departed this world,
 for an online writing class so she would know where her students "came from")

              Let me introduce myself and bare my literary soul as well  . . .  Ruth Miller . . .  lover, wife, mother, teacher, legal secretary, court reporter transcriptionist, medical transcriptionist, musician, caretaker, poet, talker, talker and talker.  My life started on a hot day in July (years ago!), after being delivered unexpectedly at home. I came into this world talking and I have been talking at breakneck speed since that first rudely placed swat on my hind end, when I made my initial debut into this world!  I was the fifth of seven children, but two predeceased me and this put me smack dab in the middle . . . Uh! . . . a middle child!  My dad was a CPA and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. 

                 I remember as a small child I would weave a tale of untold nonsense to anyone that would listen and it was such fun.  Maybe part of that was my “I need attention” mechanism and maybe it was just me needing to express myself in the only form I knew at the time, verbal.  I was never at a loss for words, even as a child.

Many days in elementary school, I was solidly placed in the corner for “talking”.  What was there about me that made my jaws flip-flop so much?  I don’t have the answer to that question, but I know God created every individual to pursue certain desires in life and I guess he just automatically stamped me “proliferative talker” for whatever reason He had in mind.  Now don’t get me wrong . . . I am not questioning God’s plans for me at all, but it would help if I could see into the future and get this all figured out.

Perhaps another reason I was a talker is my position in the family.  I was a notorious “middle child” and I had to preserve my sanity and self-preservation from my older brother and sister and my younger brother and sister.  So what did I do?  I would talk them to death.  I loved it, and I am sure if my parents would have let them, they would have purchased stock in a tape factory.

Reading was another favorite of mine too.  I figured reading and talking went hand in hand, at least it did with me.  I remember in the third grade . . . we were all being called on to stand and read out loud from our geography book.  Now this was right up my alley because I loved to read.  It made me want to let everyone in class know that me, a nobody little country girl, was able to read out loud well and had the confidence in my ability to do so . . .  and I have no doubt I was a little show-off with this as well.  When it came my turn to read, I stood straight up, held my book per the teacher’s standards and read.  To my surprise, my paragraph had this thousand dollar word in it . . . a country called “Tanganyika”.  I want you to know I read that thousand-dollar word right the first time and did not miss a beat in my flow of speech.  If you don’t think I was beaming when I finished . . . we could have turned off the lights in the whole school and my beaming would have lit the place up!  My teacher was pretty proud of me that day too.

As for reading, we were not an affluent family and sometimes reading material was hard to come by, but when available, I absorbed it like a sponge.  I am certain my comprehension rate was not equivalent to my absorption rate, but it didn’t matter to me.  I wanted to read.  Words fascinated me.

When I was still a senior in high school, my English teacher taught a section on writing.  I was too busy with extracurricular activities, boys included, at the time to get too involved in additional writing, or so I thought.  Nevertheless, she gave us a book with some poems and stories to review . . . I suppose she wanted us to be open to the different writing styles.  Thumbing through the pages, I spotted this one poem on autumn leaves that really caught my eye . . . it had so many descriptive words in it . . . and I was hooked!  I think that poem forever changed my life.  I wanted to paint the world as a dictionary . . . I wanted to set it on fire with words.  It was at this point in my life that I knew I wanted to write.

Life went as usual in large families with all of the normal sibling rivalry, although I am not quite sure about the “normal” part.  We were all very competitive and sometimes to a fault, and we ALL got into trouble for this.  We would instigate trouble for each other on a daily basis.  I marvel now at my parents and wonder why they did not have us sold into slavery or something similar for all the grief we must have given them during this time of our life. But even with all that menacing sibling rivalry, we managed to make it to our teenage years and into adulthood, all in one piece, and turned out to be decent members of society after all.  Funny how that happened!

The normalcy-of-life sequence continued to unfold . . . graduation, a year of college, and then I married my high school sweetheart.  I worked as a legal secretary for years and then dabbled in court reporter transcription.  This was fun job for me until I had to transcribe a series of hearings in preparation for the upcoming trial . . . and it had to be done the week of Thanksgiving!   Have you ever tried eating turkey dinner while typing a trial transcript?  It can be done but I don’t recommend it.  I finished my trial transcript on time but decided this was not my “cup of tea” after all, and shortly thereafter I went into the medical field as a medical secretary/medical transcriptionist.

Of course the real fun began with starting a family.  We were blessed with a son and a daughter and were very happy in our present life situation.  My husband was a self-made electronics genius to me . . . he had all the scientific genes for math, physics, chemistry, and he just about taught the electronics/physics section in his high school class . . . my genes were language, music, art, reading and fun.  Quite a pair, eh?  We complemented each other and this also showed up in our children.  They were both gifted individuals and really kept us on our toes.  There were many times they would ask me about a specific word and I would tell them that if they looked it up in the dictionary,  they would remember it better . . sometimes I knew the word and sometimes I didn’t, but I sure wasn’t going to let them know that!  I really wanted to have four children but I guess the good Lord knew what He was doing when He gave me only these two as they were a real handful.  Sibling rivalry?  Oh yes, that too.

There were a few times with my children’s writings throughout school that I would “tamper” with their word usage . . . I just wanted to broaden and excite the text to a higher plane, I guess.  We would joke about that off and on and they knew I just couldn’t keep my hands off their work from time to time.

Throughout the past 25 years, I have also doubled as a caretaker to my Aunt June who came to live with us on a permanent basis in 1986.  She was the baby in her family and had been living with her sister Cecelia (who was her only remaining family member and who had remained unmarried to care for June) until Cecelia died from ovarian cancer.  June was an 8-year-old, 89-year-old at the time of her death in May of 2010.  She was mildly retarded with the mentality of a first grader, was dyslexic, and had both sight and hearing deficiencies in addidtion ro progressive Alzheimer's Disease which was confirmed via brain biopsy at her death..  And, as the general rule of thumb goes, it seems that in every family, there is one person who gets the golden egg (job of caregiver) and guess what?  I was the one in my family to be so honored. I quickly learned to make lemonade out of most of my “lemons” in life too.  In fact, my kids call our home “Miller Manor” and I keep telling them there is no more room at the inn! 

I had retired from active employment about 1999 because June had become a wanderer around the house at night. I was finding it most difficult to work after being up checking on her and not getting much sleep.  She did attend an adult daycare during the daytime and I guess when wandering around our home at night, she would walk right out the front door and look for the van to pick her up.  When she saw it was pitch black outside, she would come back inside and go back to her room.  Aunt June had progressed to the point where we finally had to place her in an ALF (assisted living facility) in September of 2008. She had become very belligerent and I could see on the horizon the potential for her becoming combative; I knew in my heart the time had come to place her in a good home.

As if my life was not already an upstairs/downstairs staircase in continuous motion, my mother-in-law came to live with us in 2003, on a permanent basis, after a severe and traumatic illness.  She too was  elderly, was six months older than June., had no short-term memory, used oxygen at night, walker to get around, nebulizer treatments several times a day and a medical regimen that would choke an elephant.  

Life continued its fleeting passage of time at about the speed of Mach II and now I am looking at retirement . . . ah, where did all that time go?  All I know is that I now have five grandchildren with the oldest currently a senior in college!  I can’t believe she will be graduating from college in May of the coming year!!  Then, in order to meet her career goals, she will have still two more years of schooling to become a cardiopulmonary perfusionist.  As she said to me once, 'I am the one between you and death as I will be working the heart/lung machine whiloe you are in cardiac surgery."  That is a tad more responsibility than I want but she seems to thrive on this.  I told her to go for it with a gusto!  She was my little skinny, scrawny, pig-tailed headed kid in shorts and tennis shoes that always loved to come to Florida to see her grandma.  Now she has matured into an intelligent and beautiful petite young lady.  Time has a way of telling one to get on the move and do what you want to do before it is too late!  And I think I will do just that!

Most of my current writings are in the form of poetry which I started writing around the 1980s or so, but these were very sporadic and rather short.  However, about 2005, I started writing not only more poetry, but a more in-depth form of poetry.  While most of my current poetry is done as an encouragement to ones who have lost loved ones, there are other poems that do not relate to tragedy or death.  I have been asked on several occasions to write a poem for a family whom I have never met and I find myself doing this with great joy.  It is a comfort to me if I can lighten someone’s load through words. 

Through this opportunity, which has opened its doors to me with your institution, I hope to be able to broaden my writing ability and become a good writer.  I don’t know at this point, specifically, which lane in the writing field I want to travel, but I like to write on the more humorous side of life.  I also like to read medical and science fiction . . . Dean Koontz, Stephen Coonts, (Robin) Cook, Ben Coes, Gayle Foreman, Dan Brown, Isaac Asimov. S.J. Watson, James Patterson, Amanda Hocking and the like are my favorite authors.  I used to like Stephen King until he got too far out for me!   In retrospect, I feel this is something I have always wanted to do, but life itself simply got in the way.  I am looking forward to learning the successful techniques which you have to offer and I am especially excited about the one-on-one instructional relationship.  

Written by Ruth Miller

Coyright - 10/5/07*

*Text has been updated to current time frame.

THOUGHTS OF A RAVAGED MIND

 (looking through the mind and thoughts of my Aunt June at the time when

 her Alzheimer’s disease was full blown and immediately prior to her death)

       My journey starts around Thanksgiving of 2009 . . . this was when I really began to notice something was happening to me, but I am at a loss to know exactly what is happening.  It is as if my thoughts are getting jumbled when I try to talk.  I can’t seem to put a simple thought into a simple sentence.  Thoughts just do not come out the way I thought I had them organized in my mind . . . it is as if something was twisting them askew in the seconds I thought a thought and the time I uttered it.  This was something new to me and it was just a little scary.  I am not a real talker anyway, but now, I can’t seem to talk even in a normal manner . . . maybe I need a diversion of sorts to give me a break from trying to sort this out.

       I know . . . I will go into my room and hunt for my Word Search puzzle book.  I know how to do these and it is such a comfort to me.  It helps me pass the time in an enjoyable manner.  I love doing these puzzles and I am really good at completing them!  I always have plenty of pencils and puzzle books available to me.  Someone provides these for me but I cannot remember who now.

       Oh yes, here is a puzzle . . . What?  This one is not finished!  When did I start this and why didn’t I finish it? I ALWAYS finish my puzzles!  Someone else has been in my room and is doing my puzzles!  The next thing I know, my books will come up missing!  I think I will just start a brand new puzzle.  Wow! I see one word already!  Circle, circle, circle.  One word found!  But, wait a minute here . . . where are the rest of the words . . . surely they did not make an error when they printed this out?  Where are the words, words, words!  I cannot find words, words, words to circle, circle, circle.   Oh this is getting me frustrated.  Maybe I need to do something else.  Maybe I am just tired today and I will go to bed early and tomorrow will be a better day. 

       Several months have now passed and I feel like I am loosely attached to my world.  I am in a different place with a lot of people coming and going.  Where am I? What is this place?  Oh, I think, think, think . . . I am in a hospital.  I am not feeling well either.  I can hardly breathe!  I am scared!  I am so tired and I have this thing in my nose with cool air!  There is a tight cuff on one arm and something else on my finger.  There is something in my other arm and it stings!  What are they doing to me? I cough and cough and cough . . . will I ever stop coughing? I can’t get a breath between coughs. People are hovering over me doing this and that.  A man is standing there talking with the women who turn to ask me questions and I can only just look at them . . . it is as if they are talking to me in a foreign language.  I can’t talk understand a thing they are saying to answer back.

       All of a sudden, I just close my eyes.  I find myself sliding softly but quickly into a slow, dark slumber.  I feel like I am going deeper and deeper into an unknown part of the earth . . . such stillness, such darkness, a depth of the unknown.  I see no one else so I must be by myself but I am not afraid.  This is so quiet, so calm and so utterly peaceful.  It is as if I am comforted somehow in my plight.  I have never been to this place and I wonder if this is a dream.  I feel a presence all around me.  I begin to see a far away speck of light, beautiful light.  Oh, how can this be? 

       All of a sudden I am awake and am jolted back to my present hospital bed.  Everyone seems to be watching me closely and there are more people in my room.  It is as if everyone has a specific job to do but they are all watching me as they do their job.  I wish I were out of here.  My body convulses with coughing jags and I try to get my breath.  They give me something to make me rest now.  Most of the people have finished their work and leave the room; one of them is pushing a cart with all kind of gadgets on it, but now, everyone is leaving so I guess the party is over, but there is always someone in the room with me.

       After four or five days at this place, which seems like forever, I finally get to the point where my coughing gets better and I feel better too.  I am allowed up a little but I have a new problem now.  I cannot seem to swallow any more.  I have to eat mashed food and they put this stuff in it to make it thick.  Although it goes down rather well, it is just not the same.  They have to feed me too and they do it very slowly . . . can’t they realize I am hungry?  I can’t fool with the piddling stuff, I want some real food!  This mashed stuff is NOT for me!

       Now, a week later, I am feeling much better . . . I can breathe and my coughing spasms have almost gone elsewhere.  But I am again at a different place.  It seems I do remember a ride recently in a van in a wheelchair, now that I try to think . . . I see people in wheelchairs everywhere, some with crutches and some walking with other people.  This is a very large place and the people are nice.

       The nurse comes in and says I have a visitor but I do not know who she is, although I sometimes think I have seen her before and probably should know her.  Yes, she does seem somewhat familiar to me.  She smiles at me and holds my hand.  She tells me things that I guess are supposed to be funny as she laughs.  I laugh because she laughs.  She stays for a while but then she has to go elsewhere and waves goodbye to me.  I smile at her with my silly grin.

       I am still having trouble talking so people understand me and even if I scream, it doesn’t seem to help.  When I want something or need something, I want it and I want it right then.  Who are people to not come to me now!  I will tell them if they don’t come when I call them, I will pee in my pants and that will get their attention! And you know what? I did just that one day and it worked great.  Someone was right there.  I know I can do this now and get their attention!  This will work for sure!

       I am not supposed to get my own drinks either but I am thirsty.  I guess they think I can’t swallow liquid but I can and I will show them.  Oh, wait a minute  . . . I see a paper cup in the bathroom.  There is no one else around to stop me either except there is a nurse just outside the door.  I think I will sneak into the bathroom and get a cup of water.  I am so thirsty!  The water is slowly filling the cup and I can’t wait to taste some cool water.  Ah, ah, gulp . . . cough, sputter, cough, Cough, COUGH! . . . and here is that pesky nurse taking my water away from me. I blame her . . . I think she is the reason I am coughing!  She took my cup away just as I was enjoying a drink and now I am coughing a lot more.  All I wanted was a good slug of water!  She is holding my cup now and telling me something but I cannot figure out what she is saying to me.  She is turning her head back and forth as if telling me NO, No, no.  I stop coughing but she is taking me somewhere, leading me with her hand.  I get to this strange area and there are machines all around me.  Then I see a large sign that says X-RAY . . . what does that mean?  Next thing I know they are taking a picture of my chest and I cough some more.  I was so glad when they were finished as I don’t like those machines.  My nurse again takes my hand and leads me back to my room.  What a commotion all because I wanted a drink.

       The days go by and I can’t keep up with them.  I look out my window and see the green lawn and the flowers blooming.  They are so pretty . . . I love flowers in bloom.  I soon began to further realize that I didn’t know other people I probably should know. I was told I had a visitor again today and they would bring her in.  She sat down beside my bed but I had no clue who this person was.  It is like my memory is an empty gray slate . . . absolutely nothing there!  She would talk to me but it was like there was an invisible wall between us as I could not understand her language!  How frustrating.  I wanted to tell her I wanted out of this place and now!  But I could not figure out how to say this and then I wasn’t even sure if she could get me out anyway, so I just sat there and smiled.  I noticed I could no longer do simple things like I used to do.  I can’t dress myself right, I get my shoes on the wrong feet and I don’t know what is going on if I watch TV.  Life has seemed to slam me in a very slow-mode realm.

       People were very nice to me most of the time.  They were always there to help with anything I needed.  But there was something wrong.  I could no longer seem to concentrate, I couldn’t do my word search puzzles either as the letters were all like a mixed grid and I could not find the words like I used to.  Oh well, maybe another day will be better.  Maybe after a few more days have gone by, things will all clear up and I will be back to my normal self again.

       Today, the lady who came to see me is back and is packing my things in a box.  What on earth is she doing that for?  Or maybe I am going to get out of this place finally.  She is talking to me but it is not coming through.  Finally, she takes the boxes somewhere and then comes back to get me.  She leads me outside and I see the sun shining and the bright blue clouds in the sky. I faintly hear a bird singing somewhere far off as I follow her footsteps. We are going to her car and there are my boxes of clothes and other items in her back seat.  She helps me get into the front seat and gently places this strap across my chest.  I feel like I am cemented to the seat but I seem to remember this from somewhere before too, so I guess it is not a bad thing.  I look back while she drives us away from that place!  Wow! I think to myself, what a beautiful day it will be now that I am out of there.

       We drive for a little while and then she comes up to yet another building, but this one seems more familiar to me.  It seems that it has been so long ago that I was here.  Oh yes . . . and there is the dog I loved so much but it seems like it was so long ago.  Now what was his name?  Henry?  Harry? Harvey?  Oh why can’t I remember!  And there is the lady that takes care of the dog . . . he follows her everywhere too.  She is nice and I should know her . . . it is coming back to me in little segments, little by little.  I do know her from somewhere in the past.

       This lady takes me to a room . . . this must be my place as some of these things are so familiar and I see a stack of puzzle books on my dresser.  I sense I should really know this place but all I remember is being here at some point in my past.  My memory has a lot of blank patches of thought and some stay with me while others are like a vapor wafting on the breeze.

       The lady that brought me here brings in my boxes and starts putting things away.  I know I should know her but I just can’t jog my memory enough.  She finally gets everything put up and talks to me.  I just smile back with my silly little grin I have gotten used to using on people.  She stays a little longer and then leaves me to my room.

       That night when it is time to go to bed, a nurse comes in and puts these awful diapers on me!  What does she think I am?  A big baby?  Why do I need these things?  I am not going to wear these and I shake my head at her.  She shakes her head back at me and continues to try to put them on me.  I fight her back.  I scream NO, NO, NO at her.  Finally she leaves me alone.  Sometime later, she comes back in with some large special thick panties.  Now these I will wear.  I let her put them on me this time without a fight.  She just smiles at me and she puts me to bed for the night.

       The next morning, I am so slow to get up and out of bed.  I still seem to be so tired and I just had a full night of sleep.  I can’t think either so I just lay back and stare at the ceiling.  Two ladies come in and help me get up and get dressed.  They were looking in my closet to see what to put on I guess and I point to my red shirt.  They get it out and put it on me.  Red, red, red.  That is all I can think about.  Red, red, red.  That is all I can say.   Red, red, red.  My mind is all jumbled up!  Red, red, red.  Those are the only words that will come out.  Red, red, red.  I hear myself saying over and over again, red, red, red.  Well, it is my favorite color so why not say it?  Red, red, red.  Red, red, red.  And for some reason, this is all that will come out and I say this over and over and over.  My mind is in a red mood today I guess!

       Yesterday it was red, red, red.  But today I am having twins!  I cry out in pain and the nurse comes running in.  I try to tell her I am having twins and she seems to understand . . . but she pulls the covers off of me and shows me my flat tummy.  She tells me my twins have already been born and they are resting quietly in the nursery and that I should rest now as well.  I feel so much better and I doze off to sleep.

       I wake up the next morning and I see blue, blue, blue.  I like blue too.  I can only think of blue, blue, blue.  Why can’t I say anything but blue, blue, blue?  Is my mind stuck in the blue groove today?  Blue, blue, blue.  Everything is blue, blue, blue.

       I am no longer hungry either, although the ladies try to feed me, but I say, no, no, no.  I just am not in an eating mood, so they should leave me alone.  I see others at the table eating and talking but I don’t want anything to do with them. 
       I can’t get around very well by myself anymore now so I have my own wheelchair.  It gets me where I need to be even though I don’t like being in it. My days are pretty simple now . . . I have to have help with nearly everything.  I find my strength is leaving me.  Even getting me up and into the wheelchair is sometimes a hefty chore and I would just rather lie in bed.  I am so tired.  I do not want to talk and I do not want to do anything that makes me have to move my body.

       A week has passed again.  I am still so very, very tired.  I have my own special nurses now that stay with me all the time.  One stays all night and another stays during the daytime.  They dress me and keep me cool, comfortable and clean.  They will motion to me with some food as if asking me if I want to eat and I tell them no, no, no, and they will take it away. They try to get me to drink something but I don’t want it and put my hands out in front of me to keep them from getting any closer.   They see that I appear to still be comfortable and they seem to understand.  They keep me looking fresh and keep my bed from being all wrinkled or soiled if I should have an accident.  They are like angels to me . . . always there if I cry out.  If I am getting upset or get agitated, they will calm me.  If I hurt, they will give me some drops that stop the hurt and I sleep again.  My days pass slowly now and seem all the same day, one after the other.  I sometimes wonder if my world has slowed to such an extent that this is just one day, my final day, and it is so long to get all of me in order.   I am so tired, so tired, so tired.  I feel I need to go to sleep but am afraid I will not wake up, but slowly sink into eternity.

       However, on this evening, I see a man and a woman come into the room.  I have a hard time opening my eyes as they just want to stay shut most of the time.  I should know this couple.  I have seen them a lot, but who are they?  Why are they here?  What do they want with me?  Can’t they see I am tired?  Although I want to sleep, I am curious about them too.  They talk with the nurse for a while and then they come over to my bed.  They are talking to me and I hear them but it comes out all garbled mostly, although sometimes, I get bits and pieces of what they are saying.  I try to open my eyes and give them that silly little smile of mine thinking that will get us both on a good footing.   But all I hear is just some mumbling coming from me . . . maybe they will understand what I am trying to say. 

       The man returns to a chair in the room and sits down.  The woman remains at my bedside . . . she takes my hand in her hand which is so warm and soft.  She is looking at me now.  She is saying something about going . . . going somewhere . . . going away . . . going on a beautiful trip. And for some reason, I am able to understand all of what she is saying.   I look at her a moment and try to wonder what trip am I supposed to be taking.  She tells me that she and the man with her have given me permission to go and softly says to me . . . “when you go to sleep tonight, I want you to let go.  I want you to be so relaxed that you will want to go wherever your dreams take you.  I want you to be at peace and rest.”  I continue to hear her say to me . . . “You will travel by yourself as we won’t be able to come with you at this time, but you will NEVER be alone.  You will be surrounded with love and a sense of someone being there with you as you continue your journey.  It will be the most different kind of trip you have ever taken but in the end, it will be even more beautiful that you could ever imagine, even in your wildest imagination!”  I am thinking, where can I be going?  Then I hear a familiar name, Cecelia.  Oh, that is my sister she is talking about.  Cecelia and I lived together for so many years . . . Cecelia was like my mother for such a long time.  I miss her so much.  But wait, why is she talking about her?  At the thought of not being with Cecelia suddenly awakens me; I arouse and start to cry and I try to say to this lady, “It has been a while, It has been a while.”  I think to myself that I have not seen my sister in so long!  I miss her terribly as it has been 24 years since she died.  Then I calm down and hear this lady again speaking so softly to me and she says, “Yes, June, it has been a while but it does not need to be any longer.  I am giving you a mission.  I want you to go find Cecelia and tell her hello for us and that we miss her.  You will finally be together again.”  Well, I have calmed myself down now and am thinking about my sister Cecelia.  This lady is still gently holding my hand; I can feel her compassion and warmth radiate from her body to mine.  She leans over so close to my ear and I hear the words, “We love you” and with that she slowly removes her hand from mine.  Then she and the man with her slowly and quietly leave the room. 

       I think to myself, what place is it that she wants me to go? How am I going to go anywhere like this! I can’t even get out of bed and I can’t get dressed.  But from what she said to me, it must be beautiful and I certainly could use a change of scenery.  I will have to think about this.  I miss my sister Cecelia so much, and if I can find her at this place, that would be so nice and we could be together again. We could catch up on all the things that have gone on since she left me. That seems so long ago.  

       I lay back on my soft pillow.  My nurse adjusts it to my needs and she covers me with a blanket.  She quietly walks toward the door to dim the lights, but returns to my bedside.  I feel relaxed and comfortable . . . the most comfortable I have felt in a long time.  I am so very tired . . . I feel as though even my bones want to sleep . . . and then I feel a sudden urge to sleep, it is like my body is telling me to sleep, a sound, deep sleep.  I feel a need to dream, dream, dream.  I draw a long slow breath and close my eyes for one last time as I dream about the journey I might be taking soon.  I slumber deeply and I begin to dream.  

       I feel like I am lifted up and gently carried on wings of angels . . . and I have a sensation of being suspended between two worlds.  This does not last long before my dream blends into another world, one of light, love, beauty, caring, trust . . . when all of a sudden, my body feels an ever subtle change and slowly I become whole and complete again; my mind is cleared of all shortcomings.  My eyes are opened and I begin to see in the distance a most beautiful place coming into view.  Never have I seen such radiance or such unbelievable loveliness.  This is beauty in its ultimate form, radiant light, brightly colored flowers of all the colors of the rainbow, a beautiful swirling crystal sea, so many angels singing and all with such magnificent voices . . . I see so many people waiting for me, but in the midst of them, there stands someone who is brighter than everyone.  His eyes are focused on me and are so compassionate, tender and loving; it is as if they are welling up with tears of joy at seeing me appear in front of Him.  His arms reach out to me as I draw nearer.  As I come next to Him, he wraps his warm, loving arms around me and is so happy to see me.  He tells me He has been waiting for my arrival.  He further explains that I have been a child of His from the time I was born, and he is so pleased that I have finally come home to live with Him, his angels, and all the other precious souls, in His beautiful home called heaven.

Written by Ruth Miller

© May, 2010