THOUGHTS OF A RAVAGED MIND

 (looking through the mind and thoughts of my Aunt June at the time when

 her Alzheimer’s disease was full blown and immediately prior to her death)

       My journey starts around Thanksgiving of 2009 . . . this was when I really began to notice something was happening to me, but I am at a loss to know exactly what is happening.  It is as if my thoughts are getting jumbled when I try to talk.  I can’t seem to put a simple thought into a simple sentence.  Thoughts just do not come out the way I thought I had them organized in my mind . . . it is as if something was twisting them askew in the seconds I thought a thought and the time I uttered it.  This was something new to me and it was just a little scary.  I am not a real talker anyway, but now, I can’t seem to talk even in a normal manner . . . maybe I need a diversion of sorts to give me a break from trying to sort this out.

       I know . . . I will go into my room and hunt for my Word Search puzzle book.  I know how to do these and it is such a comfort to me.  It helps me pass the time in an enjoyable manner.  I love doing these puzzles and I am really good at completing them!  I always have plenty of pencils and puzzle books available to me.  Someone provides these for me but I cannot remember who now.

       Oh yes, here is a puzzle . . . What?  This one is not finished!  When did I start this and why didn’t I finish it? I ALWAYS finish my puzzles!  Someone else has been in my room and is doing my puzzles!  The next thing I know, my books will come up missing!  I think I will just start a brand new puzzle.  Wow! I see one word already!  Circle, circle, circle.  One word found!  But, wait a minute here . . . where are the rest of the words . . . surely they did not make an error when they printed this out?  Where are the words, words, words!  I cannot find words, words, words to circle, circle, circle.   Oh this is getting me frustrated.  Maybe I need to do something else.  Maybe I am just tired today and I will go to bed early and tomorrow will be a better day. 

       Several months have now passed and I feel like I am loosely attached to my world.  I am in a different place with a lot of people coming and going.  Where am I? What is this place?  Oh, I think, think, think . . . I am in a hospital.  I am not feeling well either.  I can hardly breathe!  I am scared!  I am so tired and I have this thing in my nose with cool air!  There is a tight cuff on one arm and something else on my finger.  There is something in my other arm and it stings!  What are they doing to me? I cough and cough and cough . . . will I ever stop coughing? I can’t get a breath between coughs. People are hovering over me doing this and that.  A man is standing there talking with the women who turn to ask me questions and I can only just look at them . . . it is as if they are talking to me in a foreign language.  I can’t talk understand a thing they are saying to answer back.

       All of a sudden, I just close my eyes.  I find myself sliding softly but quickly into a slow, dark slumber.  I feel like I am going deeper and deeper into an unknown part of the earth . . . such stillness, such darkness, a depth of the unknown.  I see no one else so I must be by myself but I am not afraid.  This is so quiet, so calm and so utterly peaceful.  It is as if I am comforted somehow in my plight.  I have never been to this place and I wonder if this is a dream.  I feel a presence all around me.  I begin to see a far away speck of light, beautiful light.  Oh, how can this be? 

       All of a sudden I am awake and am jolted back to my present hospital bed.  Everyone seems to be watching me closely and there are more people in my room.  It is as if everyone has a specific job to do but they are all watching me as they do their job.  I wish I were out of here.  My body convulses with coughing jags and I try to get my breath.  They give me something to make me rest now.  Most of the people have finished their work and leave the room; one of them is pushing a cart with all kind of gadgets on it, but now, everyone is leaving so I guess the party is over, but there is always someone in the room with me.

       After four or five days at this place, which seems like forever, I finally get to the point where my coughing gets better and I feel better too.  I am allowed up a little but I have a new problem now.  I cannot seem to swallow any more.  I have to eat mashed food and they put this stuff in it to make it thick.  Although it goes down rather well, it is just not the same.  They have to feed me too and they do it very slowly . . . can’t they realize I am hungry?  I can’t fool with the piddling stuff, I want some real food!  This mashed stuff is NOT for me!

       Now, a week later, I am feeling much better . . . I can breathe and my coughing spasms have almost gone elsewhere.  But I am again at a different place.  It seems I do remember a ride recently in a van in a wheelchair, now that I try to think . . . I see people in wheelchairs everywhere, some with crutches and some walking with other people.  This is a very large place and the people are nice.

       The nurse comes in and says I have a visitor but I do not know who she is, although I sometimes think I have seen her before and probably should know her.  Yes, she does seem somewhat familiar to me.  She smiles at me and holds my hand.  She tells me things that I guess are supposed to be funny as she laughs.  I laugh because she laughs.  She stays for a while but then she has to go elsewhere and waves goodbye to me.  I smile at her with my silly grin.

       I am still having trouble talking so people understand me and even if I scream, it doesn’t seem to help.  When I want something or need something, I want it and I want it right then.  Who are people to not come to me now!  I will tell them if they don’t come when I call them, I will pee in my pants and that will get their attention! And you know what? I did just that one day and it worked great.  Someone was right there.  I know I can do this now and get their attention!  This will work for sure!

       I am not supposed to get my own drinks either but I am thirsty.  I guess they think I can’t swallow liquid but I can and I will show them.  Oh, wait a minute  . . . I see a paper cup in the bathroom.  There is no one else around to stop me either except there is a nurse just outside the door.  I think I will sneak into the bathroom and get a cup of water.  I am so thirsty!  The water is slowly filling the cup and I can’t wait to taste some cool water.  Ah, ah, gulp . . . cough, sputter, cough, Cough, COUGH! . . . and here is that pesky nurse taking my water away from me. I blame her . . . I think she is the reason I am coughing!  She took my cup away just as I was enjoying a drink and now I am coughing a lot more.  All I wanted was a good slug of water!  She is holding my cup now and telling me something but I cannot figure out what she is saying to me.  She is turning her head back and forth as if telling me NO, No, no.  I stop coughing but she is taking me somewhere, leading me with her hand.  I get to this strange area and there are machines all around me.  Then I see a large sign that says X-RAY . . . what does that mean?  Next thing I know they are taking a picture of my chest and I cough some more.  I was so glad when they were finished as I don’t like those machines.  My nurse again takes my hand and leads me back to my room.  What a commotion all because I wanted a drink.

       The days go by and I can’t keep up with them.  I look out my window and see the green lawn and the flowers blooming.  They are so pretty . . . I love flowers in bloom.  I soon began to further realize that I didn’t know other people I probably should know. I was told I had a visitor again today and they would bring her in.  She sat down beside my bed but I had no clue who this person was.  It is like my memory is an empty gray slate . . . absolutely nothing there!  She would talk to me but it was like there was an invisible wall between us as I could not understand her language!  How frustrating.  I wanted to tell her I wanted out of this place and now!  But I could not figure out how to say this and then I wasn’t even sure if she could get me out anyway, so I just sat there and smiled.  I noticed I could no longer do simple things like I used to do.  I can’t dress myself right, I get my shoes on the wrong feet and I don’t know what is going on if I watch TV.  Life has seemed to slam me in a very slow-mode realm.

       People were very nice to me most of the time.  They were always there to help with anything I needed.  But there was something wrong.  I could no longer seem to concentrate, I couldn’t do my word search puzzles either as the letters were all like a mixed grid and I could not find the words like I used to.  Oh well, maybe another day will be better.  Maybe after a few more days have gone by, things will all clear up and I will be back to my normal self again.

       Today, the lady who came to see me is back and is packing my things in a box.  What on earth is she doing that for?  Or maybe I am going to get out of this place finally.  She is talking to me but it is not coming through.  Finally, she takes the boxes somewhere and then comes back to get me.  She leads me outside and I see the sun shining and the bright blue clouds in the sky. I faintly hear a bird singing somewhere far off as I follow her footsteps. We are going to her car and there are my boxes of clothes and other items in her back seat.  She helps me get into the front seat and gently places this strap across my chest.  I feel like I am cemented to the seat but I seem to remember this from somewhere before too, so I guess it is not a bad thing.  I look back while she drives us away from that place!  Wow! I think to myself, what a beautiful day it will be now that I am out of there.

       We drive for a little while and then she comes up to yet another building, but this one seems more familiar to me.  It seems that it has been so long ago that I was here.  Oh yes . . . and there is the dog I loved so much but it seems like it was so long ago.  Now what was his name?  Henry?  Harry? Harvey?  Oh why can’t I remember!  And there is the lady that takes care of the dog . . . he follows her everywhere too.  She is nice and I should know her . . . it is coming back to me in little segments, little by little.  I do know her from somewhere in the past.

       This lady takes me to a room . . . this must be my place as some of these things are so familiar and I see a stack of puzzle books on my dresser.  I sense I should really know this place but all I remember is being here at some point in my past.  My memory has a lot of blank patches of thought and some stay with me while others are like a vapor wafting on the breeze.

       The lady that brought me here brings in my boxes and starts putting things away.  I know I should know her but I just can’t jog my memory enough.  She finally gets everything put up and talks to me.  I just smile back with my silly little grin I have gotten used to using on people.  She stays a little longer and then leaves me to my room.

       That night when it is time to go to bed, a nurse comes in and puts these awful diapers on me!  What does she think I am?  A big baby?  Why do I need these things?  I am not going to wear these and I shake my head at her.  She shakes her head back at me and continues to try to put them on me.  I fight her back.  I scream NO, NO, NO at her.  Finally she leaves me alone.  Sometime later, she comes back in with some large special thick panties.  Now these I will wear.  I let her put them on me this time without a fight.  She just smiles at me and she puts me to bed for the night.

       The next morning, I am so slow to get up and out of bed.  I still seem to be so tired and I just had a full night of sleep.  I can’t think either so I just lay back and stare at the ceiling.  Two ladies come in and help me get up and get dressed.  They were looking in my closet to see what to put on I guess and I point to my red shirt.  They get it out and put it on me.  Red, red, red.  That is all I can think about.  Red, red, red.  That is all I can say.   Red, red, red.  My mind is all jumbled up!  Red, red, red.  Those are the only words that will come out.  Red, red, red.  I hear myself saying over and over again, red, red, red.  Well, it is my favorite color so why not say it?  Red, red, red.  Red, red, red.  And for some reason, this is all that will come out and I say this over and over and over.  My mind is in a red mood today I guess!

       Yesterday it was red, red, red.  But today I am having twins!  I cry out in pain and the nurse comes running in.  I try to tell her I am having twins and she seems to understand . . . but she pulls the covers off of me and shows me my flat tummy.  She tells me my twins have already been born and they are resting quietly in the nursery and that I should rest now as well.  I feel so much better and I doze off to sleep.

       I wake up the next morning and I see blue, blue, blue.  I like blue too.  I can only think of blue, blue, blue.  Why can’t I say anything but blue, blue, blue?  Is my mind stuck in the blue groove today?  Blue, blue, blue.  Everything is blue, blue, blue.

       I am no longer hungry either, although the ladies try to feed me, but I say, no, no, no.  I just am not in an eating mood, so they should leave me alone.  I see others at the table eating and talking but I don’t want anything to do with them. 
       I can’t get around very well by myself anymore now so I have my own wheelchair.  It gets me where I need to be even though I don’t like being in it. My days are pretty simple now . . . I have to have help with nearly everything.  I find my strength is leaving me.  Even getting me up and into the wheelchair is sometimes a hefty chore and I would just rather lie in bed.  I am so tired.  I do not want to talk and I do not want to do anything that makes me have to move my body.

       A week has passed again.  I am still so very, very tired.  I have my own special nurses now that stay with me all the time.  One stays all night and another stays during the daytime.  They dress me and keep me cool, comfortable and clean.  They will motion to me with some food as if asking me if I want to eat and I tell them no, no, no, and they will take it away. They try to get me to drink something but I don’t want it and put my hands out in front of me to keep them from getting any closer.   They see that I appear to still be comfortable and they seem to understand.  They keep me looking fresh and keep my bed from being all wrinkled or soiled if I should have an accident.  They are like angels to me . . . always there if I cry out.  If I am getting upset or get agitated, they will calm me.  If I hurt, they will give me some drops that stop the hurt and I sleep again.  My days pass slowly now and seem all the same day, one after the other.  I sometimes wonder if my world has slowed to such an extent that this is just one day, my final day, and it is so long to get all of me in order.   I am so tired, so tired, so tired.  I feel I need to go to sleep but am afraid I will not wake up, but slowly sink into eternity.

       However, on this evening, I see a man and a woman come into the room.  I have a hard time opening my eyes as they just want to stay shut most of the time.  I should know this couple.  I have seen them a lot, but who are they?  Why are they here?  What do they want with me?  Can’t they see I am tired?  Although I want to sleep, I am curious about them too.  They talk with the nurse for a while and then they come over to my bed.  They are talking to me and I hear them but it comes out all garbled mostly, although sometimes, I get bits and pieces of what they are saying.  I try to open my eyes and give them that silly little smile of mine thinking that will get us both on a good footing.   But all I hear is just some mumbling coming from me . . . maybe they will understand what I am trying to say. 

       The man returns to a chair in the room and sits down.  The woman remains at my bedside . . . she takes my hand in her hand which is so warm and soft.  She is looking at me now.  She is saying something about going . . . going somewhere . . . going away . . . going on a beautiful trip. And for some reason, I am able to understand all of what she is saying.   I look at her a moment and try to wonder what trip am I supposed to be taking.  She tells me that she and the man with her have given me permission to go and softly says to me . . . “when you go to sleep tonight, I want you to let go.  I want you to be so relaxed that you will want to go wherever your dreams take you.  I want you to be at peace and rest.”  I continue to hear her say to me . . . “You will travel by yourself as we won’t be able to come with you at this time, but you will NEVER be alone.  You will be surrounded with love and a sense of someone being there with you as you continue your journey.  It will be the most different kind of trip you have ever taken but in the end, it will be even more beautiful that you could ever imagine, even in your wildest imagination!”  I am thinking, where can I be going?  Then I hear a familiar name, Cecelia.  Oh, that is my sister she is talking about.  Cecelia and I lived together for so many years . . . Cecelia was like my mother for such a long time.  I miss her so much.  But wait, why is she talking about her?  At the thought of not being with Cecelia suddenly awakens me; I arouse and start to cry and I try to say to this lady, “It has been a while, It has been a while.”  I think to myself that I have not seen my sister in so long!  I miss her terribly as it has been 24 years since she died.  Then I calm down and hear this lady again speaking so softly to me and she says, “Yes, June, it has been a while but it does not need to be any longer.  I am giving you a mission.  I want you to go find Cecelia and tell her hello for us and that we miss her.  You will finally be together again.”  Well, I have calmed myself down now and am thinking about my sister Cecelia.  This lady is still gently holding my hand; I can feel her compassion and warmth radiate from her body to mine.  She leans over so close to my ear and I hear the words, “We love you” and with that she slowly removes her hand from mine.  Then she and the man with her slowly and quietly leave the room. 

       I think to myself, what place is it that she wants me to go? How am I going to go anywhere like this! I can’t even get out of bed and I can’t get dressed.  But from what she said to me, it must be beautiful and I certainly could use a change of scenery.  I will have to think about this.  I miss my sister Cecelia so much, and if I can find her at this place, that would be so nice and we could be together again. We could catch up on all the things that have gone on since she left me. That seems so long ago.  

       I lay back on my soft pillow.  My nurse adjusts it to my needs and she covers me with a blanket.  She quietly walks toward the door to dim the lights, but returns to my bedside.  I feel relaxed and comfortable . . . the most comfortable I have felt in a long time.  I am so very tired . . . I feel as though even my bones want to sleep . . . and then I feel a sudden urge to sleep, it is like my body is telling me to sleep, a sound, deep sleep.  I feel a need to dream, dream, dream.  I draw a long slow breath and close my eyes for one last time as I dream about the journey I might be taking soon.  I slumber deeply and I begin to dream.  

       I feel like I am lifted up and gently carried on wings of angels . . . and I have a sensation of being suspended between two worlds.  This does not last long before my dream blends into another world, one of light, love, beauty, caring, trust . . . when all of a sudden, my body feels an ever subtle change and slowly I become whole and complete again; my mind is cleared of all shortcomings.  My eyes are opened and I begin to see in the distance a most beautiful place coming into view.  Never have I seen such radiance or such unbelievable loveliness.  This is beauty in its ultimate form, radiant light, brightly colored flowers of all the colors of the rainbow, a beautiful swirling crystal sea, so many angels singing and all with such magnificent voices . . . I see so many people waiting for me, but in the midst of them, there stands someone who is brighter than everyone.  His eyes are focused on me and are so compassionate, tender and loving; it is as if they are welling up with tears of joy at seeing me appear in front of Him.  His arms reach out to me as I draw nearer.  As I come next to Him, he wraps his warm, loving arms around me and is so happy to see me.  He tells me He has been waiting for my arrival.  He further explains that I have been a child of His from the time I was born, and he is so pleased that I have finally come home to live with Him, his angels, and all the other precious souls, in His beautiful home called heaven.

Written by Ruth Miller

© May, 2010